


My Immortal - The Gerry Keay Chronicles

by guilt_is_for_mortals



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Gerard Ebony Dark’ness Hieronimus Raven Keay, If you know the original you know how those topics are represented, M/M, Mature for wording and almost sexy times, Nothing explicit, Parody, Please Don't Hate Me, References to My Immortal, Romance, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, my immortal parody, no beta we die like men, please check warnings for each chapter in the notes, please dont take this serious
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:07:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23250685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/guilt_is_for_mortals/pseuds/guilt_is_for_mortals
Summary: As we all are dreading the tragedy that S5 will bring and with the world outside quite dark, I present to all of you:A My Immortal parody starring our beloved Gerry Keay as Gerard Ebony Dark’ness Hieronimus Raven Keay,intern at the Magnus Institute and his adventures on his mission to seduce his boss, Jon.
Relationships: (past) Martin Blackwood/Jonathan Sims, Gerard Keay/Jonathan Sims, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added
Comments: 53
Kudos: 63





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is by far the most cursed thing I've written in my entire life.  
> Thank you to agentandromeda for being the one to bring this idea up in the discord.  
> Life would be much darker without the writers discord <3
> 
> I hope you enjoy!
> 
> \---  
> Important: I don't mean to be mean or hate on My Immortal or it's author.  
> This is a parody, so please don't take any of this too serious - it's meant to maybe draw a smile on your lips while reading, nothing more.

Hi my name is Gerald Ebony Dark’ness Hieronimus Raven Keay - thanks, Mum - and I have long ebony black hair (naturally it’s blond, but what aesthetic would that be?) with purple streaks and white tips (supporting ace rights all the way) that reaches my mid-back and dark eyes that are mostly dark because I use too much eyeliner.   
  
A lot of people tell me I look like that dude from My Chemical Romance (I have no idea who he is because I’m not listening to emo music). I’m a not vampire - though that would be very cool - but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin that is covered in tattoos. Mostly eyes. Looking very mysterious, you see.   
  
I’m also an intern at The Magnus Institute, and I work there in London, England. I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love dressing up and my boss Jon and I always try to look nice for him to impress him - you can tell by his eyerolls that I’m slowly starting to get him to notice me. For example today I am wearing a black corset with matching net around it and black leather pants so tight you can see my nice butt. I finished the look of with black combat boots and the rimmed glasses I like to wear to look smart. I am wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking through the doors of the Institute just this morning. It was snowing so there was no sun, which I was very happy about - I also am sure I looked terribly cute with snowflakes in my hair. My not so sexy other boss Elias stared at me, muttering something about dress code. I wanted to show him my middle finger but unfortunately I really need this job.  
  
“Hey Gerry!” shouted a voice. I looked up through the hallway. It was…. Jonathan Sims!  
  
“What’s up Jon?” I asked, trying to look as good and goth as possible.  
  
“Nothing,” he said shyly - I imagine this being his shy self because he can’t really be that exasperated by my sole existence, right?  
  
But then, I heard my friends Martin, Sasha and Tim call me and I had to go away.  
  
\---  
  
The next day I woke up in my bedroom - shocking, I know, where else should I have woken up? In Jon’s bed? Trust me, I would have if I could. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin - isn’t that the coolest shit ever? - and drank some blood red juice from a bottle I had. (It’s all about the aesthetic, and you know it.)   
  
My coworkers got a bit strange about the coffin situation - apparently, they know some misbehaving coffins - but I like it. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant black t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Of course with underwear, you creeps. Stormtrooper boxer shorts to be precise. Instead, I put on a black leather dress - I have really nice legs, no need to hide them. I finished the look off with a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets. I put my long hair up into one of those hipster buns so it would stop falling into my eyes while sorting through statements and research.   
  
My friend and coworker Tim must have woken up by now, because he sent me a snap with him grinning and shirtless. His rainbow hair was disheveled and his smile loopy and tired and I wanted to pin him down into my coffin at this very second. We liked to send each other snaps in the morning while getting ready, even though our styles differed very much.  
  
“OMFG, I saw you talking to Jon yesterday!” he excitedly wrote under one of the snaps.  
  
“Yeah? So?” I answered, blushing. It wasn’t like I was never talking to Jon. He was my boss after all.  
  
“Do you _like_ Jon?” he asked as we met down at the subway station - we live quite close to each other, which is very nice.  
  
“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted. I couldn’t admit that I wanted to fuck my boss, right?  
  
“Yeah right!” he exclaimed. Just then, Jon walked up to us as we left the subway again.  
  
“Hi.” he said.  
  
“Hi.” I replied flirty.  
  
“Guess what.” he said.  
  
“What?” I asked.  
  
“Well, there is this exhibition on old and creepy books next weekend,” he told me.  
  
“Oh. My. Fucking. Gods!” I screamed. I love old and creepy books. They are my favorite.  
  
“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.  
  
I gasped.  
  
\---  
  
On the night of the exhibit I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Then I put on a net shirt to show of my tattoos and the black leather pants. I read a depressing book while I waited for my hair to dry, listening to some death metal as background noise. Do you know that feeling when you need two things to get your brain running? Yeah, that’s it.   
  
I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway and just didn’t feel like it. Imagine getting a kiss on the cheek from Jon and not really feeling it because of foundation? Yeah, ain’t gonna happen with me. I sent a snap to Tim who told me I looked like a snack, which seemed like enough of a compliment. I drank some very deeply red wine that reminded me of blood so I was ready to go to the exhibit.   
  
I went outside. Jon was waiting there leaning against a lamppost and smoking a cigarette. He was wearing his usual combo of corduroy pants and sweater (which would look way better on my floor than on him) and also had some eyeliner around his eyes. Hot.  
  
“Hi Jon!” I said in a depressed voice.  
  
“Hi Gerry.” he said back. We walked to the subway, got into the wagon number 666 and drove all the way to the book exhibit. I almost touched his knee once when the subway took a hard break and I can tell you me heart was beating so fast! On the way we listened excitedly to some death metal on my ipod shuffle (Jon hated it), sharing an earbud each. We both smoked cigarettes as we walked outside the station. It was so romantic - I wanted to take a drag of Jon’s cigarette and place my lips where his had been just minutes before… but I got my own cigarette.   
  
“Oh, look at this,” Jon said excitedly, staring at one of the books. It was a Leitner.  
  
“Leitner is so fucking hot.” I said to Jon, looking at the picture on the back of the cover that showed the man - probably from 50 years ago when he was young, but who knows, could still be a hottie today, right?  
  
Suddenly Jon looked sad.  
  
“What’s wrong?” I asked as we carried on looking through the books. Then I caught on.  
  
“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.  
  
“Really?” asked Jon sarcastically and he put his arm around me, making my heart stop for a moment. Was this the moment he was going to kiss me? Sadly he let me go to look at another book.   
  
“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Leitner and he’s said to have been dating Elias Bouchard? I fucking hate that little bi- boss.” I said disgustedly, thinking of his ugly blonde face.  
  
The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Jon. After the exhibit, we emptied a bottle of wine while going back to the subway together. This time we touched while we were on the way, Jon almost in my lap (where he belonged, thank you very much). He dragged me out of the subway though a station before the one we would have had to get out and led me… into a dark park!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are continuing!  
> Apparently I'm actually not the only one who thinks this is funny, so here you have chapter 2!
> 
> Thank you very much to everyone who left kudos and/or commented, it's so nice to know you enjoy the fiction crimes I commit here :D

“JON!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?” Jon didn’t answer but he continued walking deeper into the park. I followed him, curiously.

“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily.

“Gerry?” he asked.

“What?” I snapped.

Jon leaned in extra-close and I looked into his dark eyes (the bags under it were designer probably) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and sarcasm and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.  
And then…………… suddenly Jon kissed me passionately. Jon climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. Then Jon remembered that he was asexual and that, for now, we wouldn’t put any thingies into you-know-whats. I was very okay with that - the kissing alone had been more than I thought I’d get. 

“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was feeling really nice as he started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”

It was………………………………………………… Elias! 

\---  
  
Elias made Jon and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

“You ludacris fools!” he shouted. I started to cry tears of blood (it’s the eyeliner, always getting _waterproof_ once it is on your cheeks) down my pallid face. Jon comforted me. When we went back to the Archive Elias took us to Michael and Gertrude who were both looking very angry.

“They were having sexual intercourse in the park!” Elias yelled in a furious voice.

“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Gertrude.

“How dare you?” demanded Michael, whose long blond hair was, as always, magically floating around his head. I need to remember to ask him about his hair routine. 

And then Jon shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HIM! ALSO WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING SEXY BECAUSE I AM ACE!” Everyone was quiet. Elias and Gertrude still looked mad but Michael said: “Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.”

Jon and I went upstairs while the others glared at us. We didn’t dare to tell them that we didn’t have rooms at the Institute, only offices, and that we were not, in fact, living in the Institute. 

“Are you okay, Gerry?” Jon asked me gently.

“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I decided to stay at the little cot near Jon’s office tonight because it was a long way home, so I brushed my teeth in the tiny bathroom (yes, I keep a bag with stuff here for these kinda emergencies, don’t judge) and brushed my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dressing gown with red lace all around it. When I came out, feet bare on the cold tiled Institute floor….

Jon was standing in front of the bathroom, and he stared at me with that intensity he else always only had in his eyes after reading statements. I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be here anymore. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went home. (At least I hope he did not stay and slept on his chair in his office.)   
  
\---  
  
The next day I woke up in the cot, wrapped around a pillow that I wished was Jon. I got out under the blankets, put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching black jumper. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. Isn’t it amazing what one can fit into a tiny weekender bag? I just had to remember to take it home and restock it now with new clothes. 

In the tiny office kitchen, while waiting for the coffee to get ready, I made myself a bowl of cereal with blood juice instead of milk. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the juice spilled over my top. It looked like I was spilled with blood, which was actually kinda nice for the aesthetic.

“Bastard!” I still shouted angrily cause now I was all wet. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky white hair. He was wearing so much eyeliner and he was wearing black lipstick. I was glad that he let his freckles shine through his foundation because he was pale anyways. He had a manly, reddish stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked _beautiful_ . He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him. _No, I did NOT get a boner right here and now, what are you thinking of me?_

“I’m so sorry.” he said in a shy voice.

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.

“My name’s Martin Blackwood, although most people call me Vampire these days.” he grumbled.

“Why?” I exclaimed.

“Because I love the taste of human blood.” he giggled.

“Well, I would love to be a vampire.” I confessed. I would _totally_ let this guy bite me wherever he wanted to.

“Really?” he whimpered.

“Yeah.” I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Jon came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I... don't even have words for this.   
> Thank you to everyone ho has left kudos and comments, you're the best <3

Jon and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I waved to Martin. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Jon. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Jon. We went into a storage room and locked the door. Then…………  
  
We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top and he took off his pants. I lifted him onto a desk that was standing in one corner and started making out again. We didn’t even need to take things further to get me all hot and bothered and moaning against his lips.   
  
“Oh Jon, Jon!” I groaned while slowly developing a quite distracting boner, when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Jon’s arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words………… Martin! It was then crossed through with tattoo writing over it, now spelling “Vampire”.   
  
I was so angry.  
  
“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, jumping off of the shelf.   
  
“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Jon pleaded. But I knew too much.  
  
“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “What else are you keeping from me, are you married or what?!”  
  
I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Jon ran out even though he was almost naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire’s office where he was talking to Michael, Sasha and some other people.  
  
“VAMPIRE BLACKWOOD, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” I yelled.  
  
\---  
  
Everyone in the office stared at me and then Jon came into the room even though he was almost naked and started begging me to take him back.  
  
“Gerry, it’s not what you think!” Jon screamed sadly.  
  
My friend Sasha smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waist-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had copper skin that she was wearing goth makeup on. Sasha once told me that she was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Peter Lukas kidnapped her mother and her father went away to Transilvania because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. At least that is what she told me. It’s such a cool story, I really want to believe it.   
  
“What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!” Michael demeaned angrily in his sleepy voice but I ignored him.  
  
“Vampire, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Jon!” I shouted at him.  
  
Everyone gasped.  
  
“I don’t know why Gerry is so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I’m biromantic and so is Gerry) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Jared, a preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)”  
  
“But I’m not going out with Jon anymore!” said Martin.  
  
“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!” I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the park where I almost had did it with Jon and then I started to bust into tears.  
  
\---  
  
I was so mad and sad. I couldn’t believe Jon for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I kissed Jon.   
Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and a sailor hat and everything started flying towards me in a swirl of fog! He didn’t have a nose and he was wearing a blue coat and it was obvious he wasn’t gothic. It was…… Peter Lukas!  
  
“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Peter shouted “Stop!” and I couldn’t run away.  
  
“Make me!” I shouted at him. Peter dropped out of his mist cloud and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.  
  
“Gerard.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Vampire Blackwood!”  
  
I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic ginger hair and how his face looks just like sunshine (if the sun was goth enough for me to mention it). I remembered that Jon had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Jon went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?  
  
“No, Peter!” I shouted back.  
  
Peter gave me a gun. “No! Please!” I begged.  
  
“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Jon!”  
  
“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.  
Peter got a dude-ur-so-dumb look on his face. “I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly. “And if you doth not kill Martin, then thou know what will happen to Jon!” he shouted. Then he flew away angrily, reassembling his fog cloud.  
  
I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Jon came into the park.  
  
“Jon!” I said. “Hi!”  
  
“Hi.” he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner and I wanted to kiss him better real bad.  
  
“Are you okay?” I asked.  
  
“No.” he answered.  
  
“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I expelled.  
  
“That’s okay.” he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~floats away in a cloud of lonely mist~


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...and we're back again to another episode of: Chao creates a Leitner!  
> Sorry it took a bit longer with the new chapter!
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> **Warning: This chapter, as the Original Story that this Parody is about, is dealing with the topics of suicidal intent, self harm and sexual harassment. If these topics could be triggering for you or you feel sensitive about them, please do not read this chapter!**
> 
> **I am not mocking suicidality nor do I think this topic should be taken as lightly as it’s portrayed here. I decided to keep the topic in as in the original story.**
> 
> **I hope you’re all doing fine out there, staying safe and hydrated and taking your meds if you need them.**

I was really scared about Peter Lukas all day. I was still upset when I went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a saw being dragged over a guitar that is screaming in pain. The other people in the band are Sasha, Martin, Jon, Melanie (although we call her Diabolo now. She has black hair now with blue streaks in it. I helped her to dye it and she looks fabulous!) and Jared. Only today Jon and Martin were depressed so they weren’t coming and we wrote songs instead. Elias let us practise in an empty archive room - at least I think he knew about us using it as a band room. I knew Jon was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn’t die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (you see, I can’t even spell it, it hurts to think of the word) or a steak (simply because all of us were vegetarians and I’m not sure if I would survive eating a whole steak on my plant based stomach) and Martin was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride or writing sad poetry. I dressed up for the practise and I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my chest and tiny matching miniskirt that said “Behold This” on the butt. You might think I’m a slut but I’m really not.

We were singing a cover of ‘Helena’ and at the end of the song I suddenly burst into tears.

“Gerry! Are you OK?” Sasha asked in a concerted voice.

“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, Peter Lukas came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Martin! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really nice, even if he did go out with Jon. But if I don’t kill Martin, then Peter, will fucking kill Jon!” I burst into tears. Suddenly Jon jumped out from behind a wall. He was always lurking in these Archive halls - sometimes I wondered if that was just his way to chill. 

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you fucking poser prep bitch!”

I started to cry and cry. Jon started to cry too, all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

We practiced for one more hour. You know how that sadness always makes you more creative? Yeah, it hit us hard that day. Then suddenly Elias walked in angrily! At first I supposed that he didn’t want us to practise any longer, but there must have been more behind this. His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn’t cause he had a headache from my formidable singing.

“What have you done!” He started to cry wisely. You wonder how you cry wisely? Well, let Elias tell you. I don’t know how, but that’s what he did. “Gerry, Jon has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists.” 

\---

“NO!” I screamed. I was horrified! Sasha tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off and I ran to my room crying myself. For a brief moment I wondered - when I couldn’t kill myself by slitting my wrists because I was a Vampire - how could Jon? But if Elias said so… Elias chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into one of the bathroom stalls. He might not always care about sending the wrong messages, but that one would be  _ very  _ wrong.

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. At this point it was just a thing of relaxation for me - letting out the emotion and all, you know. The tears got all over my clothes so I took them off and went out the stall to hop into the shower (that we thankfully had here in the Institute) angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak and almost ate it to commit suicide. I was so fucking depressed! I got out from under the shower and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sadly (you see how practical it is to secretly stash your clothes all over??). I put on black boots with green metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window - of course the nice bathroom was on the upper floors where Elias’ office was - and screamed… Michael was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Mike was… was he touching himself to it? They were sitting kinda awkwardly in a tree outside, so I couldn’t _really_ see. 

“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PERVS OR WHAT!” I screamed putting on a black towel with a huge skull on it. Suddenly Martin ran in with a gun.

“Die you pervs!” he yelled at Michael and Mike pointing their bodies. I took my gun (it was surprisingly easy to purchase a gun in central London) and shot Michael and Mike a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Elias ran in again. “Gerry, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOO!” he shouted looking at Michael and Mike and then he waved his own gun and suddenly…

Jared ran by outside in the hallway, waving four arms at once and said  _ everyone we need to talk. _

“What do you know, Jared? You’re just a little Avatar!”

“I MAY BE AN AVATAR….” Jared paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!”

“This cannot be.” Michael said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Elias’es gun had shot him. Dying was not as easy here as to simply get shot. “There must be other factors.”

“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!” I yelled in madly. 

Mike held up the camera triumelephantly. “The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!”

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood juice and my blood sugar sinks down.

“Why are you doing this?” Mike said to Jared angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his jeans.

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.

“BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Jared said and he paused in the air dramatically, waving two of his arms in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.

“Because you’re goffic?” Michael asked in a little afraid voice, cause he was afraid it meant he was connected with Satan.

“Because I LOVE GERRY!” 

\---

I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Jon had given me because it had reminded him of me - how romantic is that?? He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy if I must, but I knew that we must both go together. Romeo and… well, Romeo in this case. It was poetic and goth and I was ready to-

“NO!” I thought that it would be Jared - but it was Martin. He started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY HEAD HURTS!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. Had he been crying? Probably that was why his eyes were so red. I also had heard a lot about Martin’s prophetic headaches. 

I stopped. “How did u know?”

“I saw it! Whenever my head hurts I can see into the future!!”

“NO!” I ran up closer. “I thought you didn’t have those headaches anymore!” I shouted.

“I do but, Melanie and the others never believed me and so I stopped telling them about it.” he said back. “Anyway my head hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Jon! Peter Lukas has him bondage!”

\---

Anyway I was in the Archives little “nurse’s office” (it was a room with a cabinet full of pain killers, band-aids and a couch to dramatically faint upon) now recovering from my slit wrists. Michael and Mike and Jared were there too. They were going to be sent to the hospital after they recovered cause they were perverts and you can’t have those fucking pervs working in an Archive with lots of hot gurlz and boiz. Elias had constipated the video camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them.

Anyway Jared came to me while I was sitting on the fainting couch, holding a bouquet of pink roses.

“Gerry I need to tell u something.” he said in a very serious voice, giving me the roses.

“Fuck off.” I told him. “You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don’t like fucked up preps like you.” I snapped. Jared had been mean to me before for being gottik.

“No Gerry.” Jared says. “Those are not roses.”

“What, are they goffs, too, you poser jock?” I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses. Pink! I actually did like the colour but it did do  _ nothing  _ for my aesthetic.

“I saved your life!” He yelled angrily. “No you didn’t,” I replied.” “I saved you from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being… beheld by Michael and Mike.” Who MASTABATED to it he added silently.

“Whatever!” I yelled angrily.

He pointed his finger at the pink roses. “These aren’t roses.” He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered  **Well If you wanted Honesty that’s all you haD TO SAY!** .

“That’s not a spell that’s an MCR song.” I corrected him wisely. Not that I actually listened to that My Chemical Romance thing. I just… happened to know the lyrics to that particular song.

“I know, I was just warming up my vocal cords.” Then he screamed. 

And then the roses turned into a bouquet of tiny waving human arms. Now I knew he wasn’t a prep.

“OK I believe you. Now wtf is Jon?”

Jared rolled his eyes. I looked at the arm bouquet as if there would be answers hidden inside but I couldn’t see nothing. 

“You c, Gerry,” Elias said, who of course had been watching the two of us watching the little fingers giving us signs and making shadow pictures on the wall. “2 c wht iz n da fingrs u mst find urslf 1st, k?” I wondered if Elias had been texting again. It never did well for his grammatical skills.

“I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!” Jared yelled. Elias looked shocked. I guess he didn’t expect the grey on his sideburns to be just as showing. We knew that he had to be at least 60. Still… it was kind of a look at times- no. I have never said that and you can’t prove it.

Jared stormed off back out of the door. “U r a liar, Elias Bouchard!”

\---

Anyway when I got better I went back to the office and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black boots with lots of spikes on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.

“You look kawai, boy.” Sasha said sadly. “Fangs, you do, too.” She laughed at my joke - here you an see who your true friends are, Gerry, I told myself. I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood. The juice would have been nicer.

I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Michael and Mike couldn’t spy on me this time. I pretended to be sorting a statement or two. Martin was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. There were fascinatingly many statements about hair, creatures, and hairy creatures. Those were the worst. He looked all depressed because Jon had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Jon. He was sucking some blood from someone from HR. It was kinda sexy watching an actual, real vampire.

“Hi.” he said in a depressed way. “Hi back.” I said in an equally sad way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Martin had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Jons. Then……… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” shouted Gertrude who was watching us and so was everyone else.

“Martin you fucker!” I said slapping him, playfully. “Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Jon !” I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

Just then he started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY HEAD HURTS!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites. Again. 

“NO!” I ran up closer.

“GERRY WE FORGOT THAT I SAW THAT Peter Lukas has Jon bondage!”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...and we're back again to another episode of: Chao creates a Leitner!  
> Sorry it took so long with the new chapter!
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> **Warning: This chapter, as the Original Story that this Parody is about, is dealing with the topics of suicidal intent, self harm and sexual harassment. If these topics could be triggering for you or you feel sensitive about them, please do not read this chapter!  
>  I am not mocking suicidality nor do I think this topic should be taken as lightly as it’s portrayed here. I decided to keep the topic in as in the original story.  
> I hope you’re all doing fine out there, staying safe and hydrated and taking your meds if you need them.**

Martin and I ran up the stairs looking for Elias. We were so scared. How could we have forgotten that Peter Lukas has Jon bondage? The only one allowed to have Jon bondage was… well,  **me** .  
  
“Elias, Elias!” we both yelled. Elias came there. I wondered just how many of those novelty ties the man had. This newest one had little weed plants on it, and I still couldn’t bring myself to tell him that they were not green maple leaves.   
  
“What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?” he asked angrily.

“Peter Lukas has Jon!” we shouted at the same time.  
  
Elias laughed in an evil voice, turning back around to his office as if he wanted Jon to be kidnapped. WTF?  
  
“No! Don’t! We need to save Jon!” we begged.  
  
“No.” he said meanly. “I don’t give a darn what Peter does to Jon. Not after how much he misbehaved as head archivist of this Institute, especially with YOU Gerry.” Elias said while he frowned looking at me. “Besides I never liked him that much anyway.” then he walked away. Martin started crying tears of blood again. Real vampires really had an aesthetic advantage.   
  
“My Jon!” he moaned. I was reminded for a moment just how hot gay guys are. This moment of  _ Kiss him, not me  _ that then turns into: You know what? Kiss me, both of you.  
  
“Its okay!” I tried to tell him but that didn’t stop him. He continued to cry tears of blood, licking them away from his lips. Then he had a brainstorm. “I had an idea!” he exclaimed, face lighting up like a - excuse the pun - lightless flame.  
  
“What?” I asked him.  
  
“You’ll see.” Martin said. He took out a map and a subway plan. He remember that he had once had almost worked with Peter (scary that he did want Martin as an assistant. Peter was evil and Martin was… hot) and he probably could remember how to find him. We got onto the subway and then…… suddenly we were in Peter Lukas Mansion!  
  
We ran in with our weapons out (where had Martin suddenly gotten that axe from?) just as we heard a croon voice say. “You are aware that I am also armed, I hope!”  
  
It was……………………………….. Peter Lukas!  
  
  
\---  
  
  
We ran to where Peter was. It turned out that Peter wasn’t there. Instead the guy who killed… uhh, that other guy who was mentioned in one of the statements, I don’t remember his name, was there. Jon was there crying tears of blood (I wondered how everyone was copying my aesthetic now, but it also was very hot. Probably red eyeliner). Simon Fairchild was keeping him by having him hanging in the air without a sense of gravity. Martin and I ran in front of Simon Fairchild.  
  
“Rid my sight you despicable preps!” he shouted as I started shooting him with the gun and Martin swung his axe. Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. “GerryIloveyouwiluhavesexwithme.” he said. I wondered for a moment if he was hot for an old dude, then I remembered that he was really old and really evil and he had kidnapped my boyfriend.  
  
“Huh?” I asked.  
  
”Gerry I love you will you have sex with me?” asked Simon Fairchild. I started laughing crudely. “What the fuck? You kidnap my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard.” I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart. I always carry an ornate dagger with me for this kind of reason. Also… aesthetic. Blood poured out of him like a fountain.  
  
“Nooooooooooooo!” he screamed. He started screaming and running around. Then he fell down and died. I burst into tears sadly.  
  
“Simon, what art thou doing?” called Peter. Then…… he started coming! We could hear his high heels clacking onto us and he would discover what had just happened! So we hurried back into the subway and back to the Institute. We went to Jon’s office. Martin went away, maybe to hide the axe somewhere or to get a bit of blood. Then I started crying.  
  
“What’s wrong honey?” asked Jon, taking off his clothes so we could screw - which in our case meant making out heavily. He had this adorable little tummy and a really huge you-know-what and everything. I had missed him.  
  
“It's so unfair!” I yielded. “Why can’t I just be ugly or plain like all the other folks and preps here except for Sasha, because she’s not ugly or anything.”  
  
“Why would you wanna be ugly? I don’t like the preps anyway. They are such fucking… preps.” answered Jon.  
  
“Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Michael and Mike took a video of me naked. Jared says he’s in love with me. Martin likes me and now even Simon Fairchild is - or was - in love with me! I just wanna be with  **_you_ ** ok Jon! Why couldn’t the Entities have made me less beautiful?” I shouted angrily. I know how that sounds, I promise I am not a snob, but… you all can see the pattern here, right?   
“I'm good at too many things! WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT’S A FUCKING CURSE!” I shouted and then I ran away.  
  
  
\---  
  
  
“Gerry, Gerry!” shouted Jon sadly. “No, please, come back!”  
  
But I was too mad.  
  
“Whatever! Now u can go and have sex with Martin!” I shouted. I stormed into “my” room and closed my black door with my blood-red key, a special manufacture I got made. I started to cry and weep. I took a razor and started to slit my wrists.   
  
I drank the blood all depressed (feeling a little sick to the stomach now, drinking too much blood apparently makes you nauseous). Then I looked at my black watch and noticed it was time to go to do some actual work at the Institute that was paying me. I hope they were paying me. Did you get paid for internships?  
  
I put on a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. Under that I put on ripped black fishnets and boots that said  _ death  _ all over them with blood red letters. I put my ebony black hair up in a bun.  
  
Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. I did sum researching work onto a case. Reading up on some books and strange symbols. I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar - very weird statement here. Probably a Leitner. I should have known. Before I could start to fangirl, the guitar turned to Jon!  
  
“Gerry I love you!” he shouted sadly. “I don't care what those fucker preps and posers fink. Ur da most beautiful guy in the world. Before I met you I used to want to commit suicide all the time. Now I just wanna fucking be with you - though not fuck you, but that’s a topic for another- I fucking love you!.” Then……………. he started to kiss me in front of all our colleagues in the middle of the office!  
  
“OMFG.” I said after he was finished. Some coworkers whose names I didn’t remember stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Jon’s now) at them. “I love you!” I said and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff and CMM in a Cinderella Story. Not that I had ever seen that movie. Not like…  **Sasha made me watch it.**   
  
Then we went away holding hands. Mike shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how cute we looked 2gether. Then I saw a poster saying that Jurgen Leitner would have a exhibit in Central London right then. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether.


End file.
